Working with Polarized Parts in IFS

 

When doing IFS (Internal Family Systems) work, we aim to explore, understand, and connect with the various parts of ourselves. By uncovering the inner system making up who we are and how we feel and behave, it is common to find we have polarized parts. These parts may think and feel differently from each other about the same thing and sometimes in opposition to each other. 

How Polarized Parts May Show Up

If you feel conflicted in your day-to-day life it could be polarized parts of you showing up with different goals and agendas. For example, you want to work overtime to prove to your boss you are a good employee who deserves a promotion. But another part of you shows up – the part of you wanting to protect your energy and prioritize rest. These conflicting feelings naturally lead to confusion and can make it very difficult to make decisions. 

This can also happen in relationships, particularly with those who are strong attachment figures such as your parents, spouses, or siblings. For example, you might have a tenuous relationship with your parents and want to distance yourself from them, but simultaneously feel you need to spend more time with them. Sorting through all of these thoughts and feelings can be exhausting.

When our parts are polarized we can feel confusion, exhaustion, and our self-talk can become pretty harsh.

How to Work with Polarized Parts

When we do IFS work I guide you through exploring and learning about your parts so you can learn how all of the parts are interconnected. Having this framework, you begin to understand some parts are separate while others are entangled with another part. 

When we encounter polarized parts we work with them at the same time. For example, there may be a part that wants to be close to your parents and spend lots of time with them. Another part may show up wanting distance from your parents. During IFS work I facilitate clarifying the traits and motivations of each part, illuminating how they differ from one another. 

I ask you to imagine you are at the top of a triangle and each of the parts are at the other points of the triangle. I facilitate a connection between you and your parts to help you get to a place of compassion and curiosity in order to foster trust. It is important to note that while the parts are special, they are not in control. You are in control and managing the situation. Letting the parts know you are handling everything is quite relaxing for the parts. Even that small assertion of compassionate authority can have immense effects on the polarized parts.

Then I’ll ask you, “which part needs your attention right now?” We’ll call that part Part A. Then ask the other part, Part B–the one who doesn’t need as much attention right now–if they could observe and listen while you talk to Part A. Assure Part B you’ll check in with and listen to them soon.

Then we hear from Part A. Part A said it needed to be heard first and so we do a lot of affirming work. We get curious and show compassion to that part. When it has said what it needed to say, we check in with Part B; we ask them if they heard what you and Part A were talking about. Then ask them, “what do you think about that?” The answer can be surprising: “I didn’t realize the other part wanted to help.” “I didn’t see it from the other part’s perspective before.” It’s very likely Part B would still prefer its way of doing things and that’s when we learn more about why it wants to do it its way. 

Again, we listen with curiosity and show the same compassion we showed for Part A. Then we tell Part B we need to check in with Part A again and make sure they are ready to switch. Then, like we did with Part B, we ask Part A if they heard what you and Part B were talking about. They will likely tell you they didn’t realize the other part wanted to help and didn’t see it from that part’s perspective before. 

As you learn what their roles are and why they have the beliefs they have, the parts learn from each other and are changing and shifting. What’s even more important is you get a clearer understanding of what’s going on and why you feel so conflicted about a certain topic. With that clarity, you can be more understanding towards yourself, accepting of whatever ambivalence you have, and gain acceptance for how the complexity led to the ambivalence in the first place.

It is also likely one or both of these parts had outdated beliefs and immature behaviors. In the process of listening to these parts we also inform them of new truths they may not have known, which, in turn, invites the parts to grow into more adaptive parts who can truly support your decisions. In short, polarized parts can have compassion for one another but they can also grow up and release maladaptive traits, thereby ending the polarization in your system; you might not be conflicted about work or your parents again. 

When Polarized Parts are Stubborn

What happens if there is no meeting in the middle? If one or both of these parts are really entrenched or stubborn, all that means is it will take more time to do the work. IFS work isn’t about convincing them of something and pulling something over them. We’re not coming in forcing parts to do anything they don’t want to do. It may take more time – more searching, listening, understanding, and compassion. It’s time spent understanding them better. Question them and see if there are other parts they are protecting such as a fear part. If the parts are really stubborn, it’s likely that polarization will let us pivot and focus on one part for longer.

Understanding Our Internal Dynamics Through IFS

IFS work helps us understand the complexity of the system of who we are. We are all made up of various parts who have blind spots, maladaptive behaviors, outdated beliefs, and old sensitivities. Those parts are focused on their role and we need to expose them to our Whole Self energy so they know what it’s like to be loved and cared for. We have to trust that in time they will soften up a little bit and shift their roles. We are complicated and have complicated feelings that can sometimes oppose each other. IFS addresses the way we actually are – complex, dynamic, and multifaceted. We have different parts who need to be acknowledged and loved so we can let our pure Whole Self energy radiate from us.

If you feel conflicted and have a difficult time making decisions, IFS therapy can help. Katey Kingra, LMHC offers in-person therapy in Ithaca, NY, as well as online in New York State. If you’re ready to better understand and deepen your relationship with your Whole Self, let’s talk.